I miss you both.

I have dreams about you both.  I cry so much when I wake from those dreams because I get to see you again, and then you are gone again. It all seems so real, and it takes me a moment to realize it’s not.  I can’t decide if the dreams are a sign that you are here in some way, or if it’s just a cruel joke being played on my heart and in my mind.

I miss you Dad. I miss our arguments. I miss your company. I miss our Sunday visits and all the new recipes you would try just for me. I miss knowing you were always a phone call away even when I was all the way in Florida.  I miss seeing your smile. I miss making you laugh so hard you would make me leave the room just so you could stop. I miss the smell of fuel oil on your clothes.. I miss feeling the roughness of the dry skin on your hands. I miss you dragging me into crazy adventures and then talking your way out any trouble we encountered along the way. LOL  I miss the way you loved your grandkids.  I miss how you were the only person in the world that could snap me out of a drama queen moment. I miss your mustache. I miss your blue hat.  I miss everything about you, but I see you in me every day. I wish you still knew me. I wish you were still here. I’m not the same person that you knew. I’m better now, because of you, and your strength. I miss you. I miss you so much.

I miss you, mom. I miss your beautiful face. I miss your heart. I miss your laugh. I miss your smile. I miss your little notes you would leave me to find.  I miss the way we would laugh so hard that we would beg the other to stop.  I miss sitting at home with you. I miss reading the same books so we could talk about them with each other over the phone. I miss you holding me when I thought my world was falling apart.. I miss spending Sundays with you. I miss hearing your voice. I even miss hearing you yell at me. I miss seeing you in your Mickey Mouse onesie drinking coffee on the back porch.  I go out there in the morning in my jammies with my coffee too.   I miss you showing me all the creations you would make. I miss the car rides with you. I miss being able to tell you any and everything without judgement. I miss your entire being. I am me because of who you were. You cradled me and took care of me for as long as you could. I hope you’re proud of me. I hope you can see what I’m doing and what I am trying to become. I can only hope to be half the woman you were. I miss you.I miss you so much.